Something To Think About

A girl from my ward shared quite a touching story of a young man from China who struggled with a brain tumor. When he finally had surgery to remove the tumor he lost 7 years of his life, thinking he was 19 years old again. Can you imagine?! That would be so crazy if I woke up from surgery thinking I was 18 years old (how old am I? You do the math). But this story got me really thinking, so I am going to pose this question: If you had the chance to erase certain memories from your life, would you? If you want to know my answer, read on...

...I know most people's answer to this would be something along the lines of, "I would want to keep all of my memories- good or bad, because it was a 'learning experience'." Well, this is where I differ from most people. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate learning experiences, but it doesn't mean I necessarily would want to keep every memory that I have. So the short answer for me would be YES, I would have some of my memories erased. Not as extreme as the young man's 7 years, but I wish I could forget different moments of my life. Now that you know the short answer, let me explain a little as to WHY I would choose to forget.

How many times do you need to see the disappointment in someones eyes because of something you did, or in some cases didn't do? Well I know I've done my fair share of disappointing, and I feel like those memories sometimes drag me down because I beat myself up so much about them. I realize people are harder on themselves, but it doesn't change the fact that I still find myself at times dwelling on my mistakes and almost hating myself for it.

Also, as fun as dating is (if only you could sense how much sarcasm is oozing from my fingertips with that comment), the breakups that go along with them become draining at times. I realize you have to date to find what you like and don't like, but I guess the getting dumped phase is for humbling..? Maybe that is a necessary process I should want to remember, but the lack of self-esteem with each one becomes greater and greater with each experience (at least for me anyway). There will always be that prettier, funnier, talented girl the guy finds that suits them better. In my head I begin thinking, "so what's the point? I'm never going to be good enough anyway." Let's just say if I could lose some of my memory I would be a more confident person. I can't blame my lack of confidence/low self esteem all on dating because I've been one to struggle with this for as long as I can remember (mostly since 6th grade- oh the awkward stages begin so young). Don't get me wrong- I'm not some weasley girl that can't handle her own, but I sure do have to put a heck of a huge front up to people at times so they think otherwise.

Maybe my problem is I remember more detail then others. I'm not bragging, but there have been so many occasions where I mention a memory to a friend and they don't have any recollection of the event or inside joke. For example, I can tell you the outfit my boyfriend/date and I were wearing, what was playing on the radio, what we were talking about in the car, at the restaurant, etc. on the night of our first kiss (and many other dates). I could go into detail about many of those dates and if you were to ask that person any of those details they would probably stare at you and say, "Oh, Heidi? I think I remember her." This may be a bit dramatized, but I hope I'm getting my point across. I've thought many times how much easier it would be if I didn't remember such minute detail. For crying out loud there isn't a song on the radio that doesn't remind me of some person or event in my life, who else thinks like that??

Well how 'bout them tangents?! Sorry about that. I hope I don't sound like some completely egotistical, mopey, depressed, freak-show after that. I'm really not! I have been so blessed in my life and have been so fortunate in my circumstances I have no room to complain (yet I still have times where I'm cursing the heavens with my ungrateful, bratty attitude- yeah I need to work on that). But in all honesty, my blessings far outweigh what I truly deserve. I swear my next post will be all positive. I even have a story that will back up why I am so blessed! Anyway, hopefully I gave you something to think about.